It might be that I’m getting old, but I’m not having much luck with being sympathetic towards the new tendency to be hip by mangling the language. I denied two friend requests today. Both were from total strangers, which I find a little weird (I’m not a hot chick with big tits the last time I checked, nor am I a fat, lonely guy pretending to be a hot chick), and both were from girls who are relatively cute.

So, what’s the problem? Well, the first girl had kind of a cutesy little profile built around a Nine Inch Nails theme, but the first line of her description is gonna give me night sweats. I wishbeyond hope that she had done it on purpose; if she had, I be convinced she was one of the most brilliant malaprop-driven satirists I’d ever encountered, despite being only twenty.

It said, “My mom says I live by the seed of my pants.”

How fucking brilliant is that? Except, it isn’t, because she didn’t do it on purpose. She’s just a moron. Alas, earwax…

The second girl was a real little hottie (or the guy who built the profile found a picture of a real little hottie), but the entire profile was written as if she’d texted it in to MySpace from her phone. “heerz ma 1st blog ntry yo hop itz gud kz i nvr dun 1 b4.”

Well, peece out, suk ma kok, n u cn fuk rite off n die, yo.

It was bad enough when every teenaged yuppie zygote with legs was trying to sound like a hip-hop legend, a fad which seems to be fading mercifully into oblivion (listen, if that’s your life, cool, but the affectation stinks. Much as I wish I’d been born in the U.K., I’m not gonna get my teeth set crooked in my head and adopt a Manchester accent). Now we have to put up with this new dialect of English spun off from thumb-typing adolescents. In Wired they call it “nglish.”

I think I’ll call it Manglish. Does no one else see the parallel between this and newspeak from1984? A language designed to strip all semantic communication from itself? No? Oh, that’s right, that requires reading a… whaddaya call ’em?

Book. Right. Like that’s gonna happen.

Whatcha think?

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I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones. — John Cage