It’s no secret that I don’t particularly like people. In fact, I think it would be fair to say that I dislike the human race in general, and most of us who comprise it in particular. By and large, people can suck my dick.

But I like technology. Not as much as I like animals (who are, incidentally, superior to us in virtually every important way) or even toys (those of you who’ve seen my office will understand), but I enjoy the company of a well-built machine.

So, this warm-and-fuzzy feeling doesn’t extend to all technology, only technology that works. I despise Fords, for example. Ford vehicles are the politicians of the machine world, and should be eradicated from existence. I’m not a big fan of Apple products (the over-priced, elitist art-fag snobs of the machine world; the ones that only work part-time jobs for ridiculous amounts of money).

But any machine that works really well, and does it for a reasonable price, absolutely gets my dick hard. Today, I laid to rest one of my oldest machine friends, a gadget that represents one of my longest relationships.

My HP LaserJet 4, purchased new in 1994, bought for a company that went out of business, stolen from a second company that owed me money, and trucked from Sun Valley to Van Nuys to Hollywood to downtown, has finally given up the ghost. To the best of my ability, I calculate that printer has outlived something like 18 computers, from the 486 33 it was first hooked to (parallel port! Wah!) until my current dual-core Athlon.

Sure, it had a 6 page-per-minute crawl that was as slow as death, tiny memory, and only spoke PostScript 1, but gawddamn, that printer stuck it out. Nearly 13 years, and Bob knows how many sheets of paper and toner cartridges later, that printer worked with little complaint.

Now that is one fine piece of technology. We shall not see it’s like again. The real bitch is that it simply needs to be serviced. But, like a VCR ( a what???), the cost or servicing it is now more expensive than simply getting a new one. And we need a color laser, anyway.

So, I’m going to play a little of Mozart’s requiem and then get on with installing the new Samsung that’s going to attempt to fill the HP’s black-and-white shoes in this chromatic world, and I’m not going to look back. The LaserJet would want it that way.

Whatcha think?

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If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation. — Tom Stoppard