Daily Archives: September 26, 2006

Every once in a while, you find yourself working on an adult show that is so obviously a persistent example of Murphy’s law, so plainly and completely fucked from top to bottom, such a patent and unending catastrophe that the only sensible, logical and rational conclusion you can reach is that bob hates you and the show is cursed.

Kylie’s current Bad Seed shoot is like that.

Lucky for me I’m just the camera monkey as opposed to — as is more usually the case on a cursed production — the director. But still, I’ve been witness to some prime calamity over the past couple of days.

Yesterday was one for the books. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty alike, so don’t try to figure out the who, just boggle at the what.

Our first scene was supposed to be a straightforward anal scene with a great performer who squirts, a girl we’ll call Blondie. She was working with… oh… Karl, we’ll say. Everything is going great until the first anal position, about ten minutes in. Reverse cowgirl. She squirts like crazy, then hops off to go down and suck his cock and somehow her clit-hood piercing inexplicably tears a chunk out of Karl’s foreskin.

Well, all the men on set spend the next ten minutes grimacing, sucking in their breath, talking in whispers and walking funny. Finally, when the pantomime is done, Karl announces he thinks he can finish the scene. And he does. Now tell me these people aren’t sexual athletes.

But.

Comes time for the pop, and Karl’s weisswurst is looking more like chewed hamburger. No blood, but really, really red. Like red dye #5 red. Like someone was having their cycle, and it wasn’t Blondie. And he’s jacking… and jacking… and jacking… and the injured member is getting redder and rawer and we’re cringing and wincing. And he stops. And starts. And stops. And starts.

He’s numb. He’s raw. He’s got no place to grab. It ain’t gonna happen.

So Kylie mixes up a vaguely jism-like concotion, mostly out of confectionary-type materials (supposedly tasted like cookie batter), squirted the goop into Blondie’s snatch and we faked a creampie with real cream pie.

Second scene was supposed to be a DP with… ummm… Natasha, Antonio & Lex. Problem A: Natasha has been away from the biz for a while, and hasn’t had her ass violated in weeks. Problem B: Lex has only done one other DP, is having a really shitty day for personal reason, and there’s simply no wood in his forest. Kylie tries fluffing him (oh, the benefits of female directors), and that works until she leaves, then linguni again.

Now, not to burst your bubble or anything, but with one exception, every male performer I have worked with frequently has had an off day or two. It happens. Guys are (all indicators to the contrary) human, and any one of a thousand things can throw up that neural roadblock between your brain and your cock that closes down traffic completely. Unfortunately, once you think you’re in trouble, you are, and it’s all over.

Kylie has used Lex a dozen times, and I’ve used him several myself. He’s a solid performer who had a lousy afternoon. No big deal. Except you can’t really stick a boy/girl scene in a DP movie. Our solution was to grab one of the guys from the third scene, who were already on deck (and had been for a few hours cuz everything was taking so fucking long), stick him in the scene, and have Antonio do two back-to-back, which he assured us was no problem.

Except.

For her part, Natasha wasn’t ecstatic with this plan, but was willing to do whatever it took to get the scene. The guy Natasha preferred to work with wasn’t thrilled with the idea of being rushed (I dunno if it was a Viagra thing, or if he didn’t like Antonio, or just didn’t have his game face on yet or whatthefuck).

So… we shot her and Antonio for the squirting movie.

Except.

Natasha doesn’t squirt. Kylie fixed that problem with a douche filled with water which we would sqeeze into Natasha’s snatch during the anal so she could squirt while getting buttfucked.

Except.

Wasn’t happening. Her asshole was still on vacation, and it just wasn’t about to go back to work yet. And Antonio ain’t the smallest guy on the planet (fuckin’ guy is a gorgeous Euro all the girls get slobber-crotched over with a great smile, a ripped physique, and a huge schwantz that seems impervious to limpness… I hate this cocksucker). So no anal, either. But she sure squirts up a storm, boy!

For what it’s worth, the third scene — another DP — went off pretty much without a hitch. Although by that point, most of the crew seemed to have mentally punched out for the day, So Kylie & I got to do everything by ourselves until Ren Savant came out from editing and realized no one was actually working, so he came up to play lube jockey and wrangle my cable and all that helpful shit.

Still, the scene went great.

I am fearful of what we might encounter tomorrow. If terrorists decide to spray Anthrax from drone aircraft over the West Valley, I won’t be a bit surprised.

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Random Quote

Will: Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it any time he wants. It doesn’t cost money, it costs votes; it costs airtime, column inches. You know why people don’t like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so fucking smart, how come they lose so goddamn always?
Sharon: Hey!
Will: [to Lewis] And with a straight face, you’re gonna tell students that America’s so star-spangled awesome, that we’re the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. [laughs] So 207 sovereign states in the world, like a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.
Moderator: Alright–
Will: And yeah, you, sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there’s some things you should know, and one of them is, there’s absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest country in the world. We’re 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst period generation period ever period. So when you ask, “what makes us the greatest country in the world?” I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Yosemite? [Pause] We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were. And we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists and the world’s greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn’t belittle it, it didn’t make us feel inferior. We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in our last election. And we didn’t… we didn’t scare so easy. We were able to be all these things, and to do all these things, because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore. [Pause] Enough?
— WIll McAvoy (Jeff Daniels), The Newsroom