I’ve been in porn since 1990, and I’ve seen a lot of stupid shit. I watched Lucky Starr fire a loaded rifle into our roof inches from Sledgehammer’s head on a Joey Silvera shoot. I bore witness as Eli from All Good filled — or rather, in a dire miscalculation of fluid volume, tried to fill — a Jacuzzi at a rental house with green Jell-O (one complete pump & filter replacement? $3600… Once lame sex scene shot in ankle-deep green Jell-O? Priceless…)

I shook my head when Al Borda decided to release a title called Whoreos, and in a truly inspired moment, designed the box to look exactly like the Oreos package, right down to the red Nabisco triangle. I can’t remember now exactlyhow much Nabisco sued for, but it was breathtaking (I seem to remember $100 million… no, really). Whatever the sum, Al literally went into hiding for weeks while the feds siezed every copy of the movie and had it destroyed.

Hell, I’ve even watched people continue to do business with John Bowen which is the epitome of stupid. At least, it used to be. I’m currently fixated on this whole Eddie Van Halen thing. But not necessarily the thing you’re thinking about.

Y’see, it’s been a very badly-kept secret that Eddie has, for the last year or so, been funding his own porn company. The thrust of the company is to produce high-end features for the couples market, so naturally they needed a classy-sounding name.

Sllab. The company is called Sllab. (If you don’t think like a 14-year-old you might not immediately crib the joke that it’s “Balls” spelled backwards. Ha. Ha.) That certainly says “big-budget plot-porn” to me.

If you haven’t heard of Sllab, don’t feel bad. To my knowledge they’ve produced one movie since last summer, a $100k feature called The New Neighbors (doesn’t that make you turgid? I’m emotionally erect just typing it) that I can’t really comment on because I haven’t seen it. The cast is solid, and the director — who I spoke to for some time at AEE last year — seems like a great guy.

Maybe porn is on the verge of becoming a refuge for rock gods of pantheons past; once-shining stars whose glow has now faded, looking for a home and finding it in the gutter rather than low-rent Nevada Landing casinos (Now Playing at Primm Valley — .38 Special & Air Supply!) and state fairs.

It’s the kind of thing that leads T.V. actors who can’t get a series anymore to Broadway where they can still draw a crowd (“He was so good on McGuyver, I can’t wait to see him in The Odd Couple“). I mean, really, wouldn’t it be a hoot to see what kind of porn might get produced by, oh, say, Christopher Cross or the guys from Whitesnake?

But, c’mon… one movie in over a year? Sllab?? The New Neighbors??? Obviously, no one who knows anything about porn is steering this ship. Then, insult to injuy, Eddie decides he doesn’t want anyone to know it’s his company. Not a word. Mum. So the best possible tool for promoting this new venture is off the fucking table. He even refused to do the music for The New Neighbors.

You see where this is going.

Then, months later, we get the press release that Eddie Van Halen, widely regarded as one of the best guitar players in the world, is recording and promoting two new tracks (his first in how long?) FOR A DIFFERENT FUCKING COMPANY!!!

AAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGH!!!!

This kind of shit makes my HEAD ASPLODE! How many fucking drugs did this guy do? What kind of fucking sense does that make?!? I mean, kudos to Ninn Worx for scoring the deal (heh… ya get it?) but what color is the sky on Van Halen world?

I know, thinks EVH one afternoon when he tumbles out of bed, I’m going to piss away a couple hundred grand on an ill-conceived porn company that I’ll run from the standing position with my head up my ass. I’ll ensure it wallows in obscurity by refusing to associate myself with it. I certainly don’t want myself linked with porn. What? Michael Ninn’s on the phone? Sure, I’ll take the call…

I dunno. Maybe there’s some master plan that I’m not privy to; some Machiavellian scheme for first porn, and then world domination that I’m too simple to see. Y’know, the kind of uber-thinkthat made Van Halen what it is today.

Oh. Yeah.

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