For those who tend to get distracted by this kind of shit, let me clue you in about a few things that simply do not matter.

It doesn’t mattter that Britney Spears shaved her fucking head. It isn’t news, nor is it newsworthy. It isn’t a statement or a symptom or even interesting gossip. It’s a case of a talentless, stupid, spoiled, whiny, skank-ass, pathetic white-trash hooker with the emotional maturity of a tadpole losing her mind in public. Can we please, now, once and for all dispense with this particular piece of embarrassing pop flotsam and move on to the next absurdity?

It doesn’t matter that Anna Nicole Smith died. Not in any sense. Neither the circumstances of her death, nor the event itself, amount to an elephant’s fart worth of information. She was a well-past-her-prime, rock-stupid ex-model and Playboy denizen who became a frustrated gold-digger. As Gore Vidal famously said of Truman Capote, death was a good career move.

It doesn’t matter that Prince Harry is going to Iraq. It doesn’t matter that Nicole Richie got charged with DUI or that Beyonce drove the wrong way down the street, and nothing that Paris Hilton does will ever, in any way, have even the slightest signifigance.

I’m not going to presume to tell you what does matter; that’s a very personal thing, and unique to each of us. You can make up your own mind what’s of genuine importance to you before your little hamster run is over, but these topics are irrefutably off the table. Don’t worry. You’ll find some other inane fucking celebrity gossip to distract yourself with. And that won’t matter either

Whatcha think?

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I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. — Woodrow Wilson