Another one gone, and it feels like very little has changed. How is that possible? How can a year go by… a year as eventful as I know, as Icomprehend intellectually, this year past was… and leave me feeling like I’m in exactly the same place I was a year ago? How does that happen?

Regardless, here I am, wallowing – as I so frequently do – at the end of the year in maudlin self-pity. As a passing attempt at writing-as-therapy, I thought it might be a good idea to get a few things from the year gone, and expectations for the year to come, down in digital ink as a kind of proof to myself that things did occur; 2007, for good or ill, did happen, and I was therefor most (or, at least, part) of it.

Also –inexplicably – people e-mail me with startling frequency asking my opinions about things. I rarely answer them because they tend to e-mail mehere, and I really never answer MySpace e-mail, so this is also a chance to clear up a few requests I’ve gotten for me to wax idiotic on a variety of topics. And with this being the first day of the ancient new year (the winter solstice was yesterday, you Judeo-Christian ignoramus), it seems like a ripe time.

In the interest of brevity (and sloth), I’m going to cheat and do this in list form. And so, here’s my Extremely Personal, Entirely Subjective and Frighteningly Incomplete Almanac of 2007 (with Kreskin-like predictions for 2008 included free!)

Things I Loved

People always like to accuse me of hating everything and everyone. Well, that’s not entirely true. I hate almost everything and almosteveryone. To prove it, I thought it best to start with the stuff from this past year I actually liked

  • Life with K. How she can stand being around me all the time is a complete mystery to me, but I’m certainly not going to complain.
  • Winning all the big awards for Corruption.
  • No Country for Old Men. Possibly the best movie I’ve seen in a decade.
  • Touring Ireland and Wales with K.
  • The third season of Doctor Who.
  • The psychotic religious treatise written by a schizophrenic we got accidentally in the mail.
  • Watching Santeria being performed on the sly around the corner from our house.
  • Buying new bondage furniture from Downtown Willy.
  • Upload being finished.
  • RiffTrax.
  • Alberto Gonzales, Tony Snow, Tony Blair, Karl Rove, Larry Craig, Trent Lott, Scooter Libby and Porter Goss fading into abject obscurity where they fucking well belong.
  • The sock puppet version of Upload.
  • The cats.
  • Sideshow toys.

Things I Hated

  • The current administration. I loathe all politicians in general, but the Cheney administration in particular is a force of pure, distilled evil the likes of which is rarely seen in human history.
  • Making Upload.
  • Turning 40.
  • Eli Roth. Arrogant prick.
  • Beowulf.
  • Criss Angel at the AVN Awards.
  • 300. In fact, the title should be 27,000,000 ‘cuz I hated it enough to cube it.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Eden.
  • Porn industry politics, particularly at the company I shoot for. I thought I left that shit behind in mainstream.

Things I Learned

  • Shia LaBeouf is a man (who knew?)
  • Carol Burnett actually doesn’t have a sense of humor. Just ask the Family Guy guys.
  • There are people in this world naïve enough to believe things the administration says.
  • We have “allies” who think it’s okay to flog a woman for being a rape victim.
  • I am falling apart more quickly than I thought.

Things of No Importance

  • Any “news” story containing the words “Britney,” “Jamie,” “Ashlee,” “Jenna,” “Tera,” “Jessica,” “Lindsey,” “Cruise,” “Suri,” “Holmes,” “Hilton,” “Tara,” “O.J.,” “Anna +Nicole,” “K-Fed,” “Vick,” “Dancing With,” “Idol,” “Bradys,” “Steroids,” “tween,” and anything that has ever appeared on TMZ.
  • The writer’s strike.
  • Not the Bradys.

Pleasant Surprises

  • Finally seeing Kenneth Branagh’s uncut Hamlet and discovering it is brilliant.
  • Ocean’s Thirteen didn’t completely suck.
  • Upload got 22 AVN Nominations.
  • Sweeney Todd (I did the stage show).
  • Battlestar Galactica. While the second half of season two left a lot to be desired, season three seems very solid. The joke around here used to be “The Cylons have a plan, but they didn’t tell the writers what it was.” Now it appears that the writers found out what the plan is, but the Cylons forgot, which seems preferable.
  • People figured out the Geico caveman is really, really fuckingannoying.
  • Folks seem to have realized Ann Coulter is actually a hateful, psychotic, soulless cunt (assuming she is biologically female).
  • Folks seem to have realized Rudy Giuliani is actually a hateful, psychotic, soulless cunt.


  • The Bourne Ultimatum. I really enjoyed the first two; the (let’s hope) final installment was just an anemic callback to its betters.
  • Realizing while watching Sweeney Todd that I did the stage show 23 goddamn years ago.
  • The iPhone. Not for me, just for those of you hype-susceptible enough to buy one.
  • Grrrls. We had absolutely no new strumpets this year. None. That sucks.
  • Al Gore not wanting a presidency that could be his without breaking a sweat. Of course, that just means he’s probably worthy of the job.
  • Blissfully misremembering for a few days that Will Ferrell actually had died in a paragliding accident, only to recall days later that I was wrong.
  • Discovering that my mother found this profile. Hi mom.

Looking Forward to in ’08

  • The AVN Awards being over no matter the outcome.
  • The glimmer of hope still twinkling of a movie for Warner Bros.
  • Shooting The Blood of Virgins.
  • The SlutWerkz site going live early in the year.

Dreading in ’08

  • The AVN Awards being over no matter the outcome.
  • The glimmer of hope being crushed of a movie for Warner Bros.
  • Shooting The Blood of Virgins.
  • Having to endure a year of pointless Britney Rears 4 BS.
  • Writing this list again next year having accomplished no more in ’08 than I did in ’07.

Scariest Thing I Saw All Year

  • Jesus Camp. There has never, in the history of cinema, been a film this frightening.

Whatcha think?

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