Let’s take a moment to discuss psychosis, shall we? It’s axiomatic to state that there are a lot of crazy people in porn. In fact, when I ran AVN, I used to say that everyone in the industry fell into at least one of three categories: paranoids, neurotics and sociopaths. A rare few of us fall into all three (and perhaps more). Nobody gets into this business because they’re normal and well-adjusted. So stating that there are “a lot” of crazies is actually an understatement.

Taken as a whole, porn biz nutjobs range from the harmlessly eccentric (“Really? You wanna lick my feet after I walked in the gutter? Really?”) to the sphincter-clenchingly insane (“C’mon, what are ya gonna do? Hit me with the car? OH GOD MY PELVIS!!!”)

Since I generally prefer to be the only certifiable maniac in the room at any given time, I try to avoid the truly scary lunatics, but once in a while one sneaks in. Today I was reminded of my brush with an emotionally-challenged Payday bar named Mae Victoria. I haven’t thought about Mae at all for nearly a year now, but this morning she was top-of-the-pops doing an interview on one of the porn gossip sites blathering about everyone who’s wronged her including — to my bemused surprise — Kylie & Derrick Pierce.

For those who haven’t heard of Mae — which I’ll assume is all of you — she’s a D-list performer who rarely works for the same director twice. At the age of 39, you really couldn’t describe Mae as a has-been; she’s a never-was. She aspires to be a has-been. If the core of the industry is made up of stars and starlets, Mae Victoria would be… an asteroid.

As for the severity of Mae’s crazy, I pity the man in her life because that poor bastard has a boiled rabbit waiting in his future, you mark my words.

What Mae was bitching about on the web was Kylie’s MILF movie for SexZ, Mommy Rearest. In response to a question about what she’s been doing lately, she went off on what horrible people Kylie and Derrick are. The irony is that Mommy Rearest was shot last September, so if that’s what she’s been doing lately, times must be really tough in the asteroid business.

In the interest of full disclosure, I shot camera on Mommy Rearest, which gave me plenty of time to sit back and watch the show. After all, I like a bit of cabaret with my porn production (as long as it’s not my show), and when Mae Victoria walked in lugging her trunkful of nutso behind her, there was plenty of cabaret.

That’s about all Mae brings to the table. Nice tits (that you can’t touch) and a boatload of crazy. Oh, and bush. Lots and lots of bush. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

On the day we shot Mae, she showed up three hours early. We assumed there had been some screw-up with the booking but she explained she was there early in case Kylie wanted her to shave off her huge red matted 70s bush. She explained she’d been doing a lot of hairy pussy web work, but was willing to shave.

We got the impression this was one of the first movies she’d ever done. And while she offered to shave, she made it really clear that she really didn’t want to. Since Kylie had cast Mae as a white trash mom having her car repossessed, she decided the bush worked and let Mae keep it.

The next two hours were devoted to shooting Kylie’s scene with Moxxie Maddron and Alex Sanders. We shot dialogue outside, and then the scene, and the entire time, Mae was wandering around like a bored kid getting pouty that no one would play with her. She plainly hated not being the center of attention, and kept lifting up her top getting every man on set to play with her tits.

Except, of course, she doesn’t want anyone to touch her tits. At all. She made me think of Lucy van Pelt yanking away the football every time Charlie Brown went to punt. Because the crazy just rolls off of her in waves, like psychic B.O., Mae has all the erotic appeal of a burlap sack filled with dead rodents. But, she has a great rack, and does her best to get everyone to pay attention to it, and by extension, her.

A quick digression — I had to laugh when Mae said Kylie had a “dog face” in her interview… that’s why she has a legion of fans all over the world, babe, and you, uh, don’t. Have any. But then what can you expect from a fruit rind circling the punchbowl when everyone drinks from the middle? Projection, much?

Sorry. So the tits. Derrick showed up after Kylie’s scene, and was flirting with Moxxie who was still hanging around because we like Moxxie and she has a crush on me and desperately wants to have rough, violent sex with me but I’m toying with her affections.

Oh, right. Real world. Sorry. So Moxxie likes it rough and Derrick is pinching her nipples. He tweaked one and Moxxie offered the other telling him to even it out. Mae watched this, obviously seething that “her” guy was flirting with another girl (Derrick was still reeling from the crotch-forest revelation), and protested that he absolutely couldn’t do that to her nipples. She went on to say that her breasts were so sensitive he couldn’t touch them. At all. This scene was gonna be a real scorcher.

At this point, the idea had already been floated in private of dumping Mae and replacing her, or shooting the scene at a later date. We’d had three hours of her being squirrely, shifty, disappearing into the bathroom for long stretches of time, complaining about the fact that it was an anal scene (“how many minutes of anal are we going to shoot?”) and alternately hitting on every guy in the room and talking about how disgusting the business is.

Hot stuff, to be sure. But Kylie decided to press ahead. We struggled through the dialogue, Mae giving Kylie grief about it at every turn, and finally got to the sex.

Which was a nightmare.

I’ve never felt so sorry for any performer during a scene as I did for Derrick Pierce that night. In her little online tirade, Mae talks about how rough Derrick was with her, but there’s no doubt in my mind he was getting the abuse.

First of all, Derrick’s not a rough guy unless the girl asks him for it, and he knows her well. He was anything but rough with Mae, though I’m sure he wanted to strangle her. I know I did.

First she tried to blow him as if she could do it without actually using her mouth. She’d flick out her tongue and kind of slide it near his cock, looking at the camera the whole time (which Kylie hates, and no matter how many times she said “please don’t look at the camera,” Mae just couldn’t fathom that).

Finally, we moved into the sex after the lamest blowjob in history. Mae, who knows we’re living with her tropical rainforest, but not loving it, keeps referring to it. “Oh, yeah daddy, fuck that hairy pussy! Bang that hairy pussy!” and every time she does, Derrick — who’s channeling into his happy place already — has to close his eyes and really be somewhere else to keep it going.

Unfortunately, every position seems to hurt her. Mish hurts. Doggy hurts. If he sticks in more than an inch it hurts. And we’re talking pussy, here. So we keep cutting for Derrick to get his edge back, and every time the cameras aren’t rolling, Mae is all over him like a cheap suit. “C’mon, Daddy, fuck me for real! You can fuck me as hard as you want!”

Derrick, understandably, declines. Me, I’d rather jerk it, too.

Then… “Rolling.” …wiggle…squirm…”Ow! Ouch! Not so deep!”…wiggle…squirm…roll…

She tells him he can spank her. He does. She hates it. She tells him to bite her. He does. She hates it. She tells him to pull her hair… you get the idea.

We finally get enough footage to put together a scene, and then, bob help us, it’s time for the anal.

I’d like to say right up front that I’ve got no problem whatsoever with girls who don’t do anal. There are a lot of girls who either don’t like it or who just can’t relax enough that it isn’t painful, and they make the wise decision not to do anal scenes.

Then there are crazy, two-dollar whores who are so desperate for cash they can’t think past accepting the job to the moment of having to actually do it and to them I say if you can’t do anal, DON’T DO FUCKING ANAL!

In the gossip column, Mae claims Derrick not only made her bleed, but that he did it intentionally. If only. Fact is, the only hemorrhaging was the crazy bleeding out of Mae’s mouth. We shot about eight minutes of really lousy anal, and Derrick ran away to the bathroom to get ready for the pop.

My favorite part of the night was when he came back, Mae told Derrick, “C’mon, daddy, fuck me till you come.” Derrick, seeing the finish line, shot back, “I ain’t gonna fuck you, now just sit there and let me jerk off.”

After a tough scene, you can’t help but wonder how far down the guys are going in their heads to get to the pop. On a different occasion, Ren Savant and I were shooting camera when Anthony Hardwood was trying to come with a cut in his foreskin (which had snagged on Nicki Hunter’s clit piercing). As we watched him concentrating, we joked under our breath “he’s thinking about a girl getting fucked in the ass… now it’s a nun getting fucked in the ass… now it’s an underage nun getting fucked in the ass… now it’s an underage nun getting fucked in the ass by a German shepherd…”

I was thinking about that as I watched Derrick concentrating like a motherfucker. But he popped, shot stills, and fled. And who can blame him. Unfortunately, after Mae had cleaned up and was ready to leave, we discovered that Derrick had grabbed her keys off the table without thinking.

For those of you — like me — who don’t drive cars that are fresher than the eggs at the supermarket, let me teach you something that I recently learned. Lots of new cars don’t have an ignition key. The fob has an encrypted bluetooth or RFID transmitter and the car simply recognizes that the key is near. You push a button and it starts. So Derrick had keys in his pocket and never realized that they weren’t his. His keys were also in his pocket, so the car started. And he left.

By the time we got hold of him, he was nearly to LAX where he was picking up his girlfriend. He met up with one of his friends who brought the keys back, but we had nearly two hours of waiting with the readheaded nutlog. Every fifteen minutes she called a guy she was supposed to be seeing later that night to update him on her status. Eventually we found out that it was Adam Rifkin (Ron Jeremy had hooked them up).

I wonder if Adam had seen a picture, or if he just took Ronny’s word? I know from the industry grapevine that Rifkin loves him the B-girls, but Mae seems a little low-rent, even for the director of The Dark Backward. I’m guessing he hadn’t seen her as she doesn’t photograph well. She groused online that we “cut her off the boxcover.” Hon, you were never the boxcover. She also said we chose the worst pictures we could to make her look more white trash.

Yeah, that makes sense. SexZ wants to make their product look as bad as possible. Could it possibly be that those were the good shots? As for looking white trash, well, ya can’t lie to the camera, babe. I guess self-realization is a game for the sane.

Mercifully the keys finally arrived, and Mae finally left to go see Adam Rifkin or howl at the moon or eat Scotch tape off the roll at Kinko’s or whatever-the-fuck complete psychos do with their spare time. As I said, I haven’t thought about her at all until today.

Next Halloween, I’m thinking of organizing a porno camping trip just ’cause Mae Victoria would make such a terrific fireside ghost story.

“Once there was a maniac porn chick with an inch-deep snatch, a tiny, atrophied asshole, a rotted pomegranate where her brain should be and a red, knitted hotpad sewn into her crotch!”


One Response to Crazy as a Shithouse Rat

  • Sexmann says:

    She asked me to help her with her blog and when I called she was completely absurd. Apparently she is an adult functioning retard. In wouldn’t blame her for her craziness. It’s just the Down syndrome.

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