One of the third-rate porn gossip columnists (since “first-rate gossip columnist” is an oxymoron, he’s really just an also-ran, but being second-rate to second-rate makes you third, right?) has given me my (probable) final award fo the year.

I’ve been presented with the coveted “Porns [sic] Worst Director Who Thinks He is Gifted” award!

I’m really excited by this because — as the presenter himself acknowledges — I’m a rampaging egomaniac, and any award just excites the bejeezus out of me! Plus, do you realize how many worthy contenders I had to beat out to win this? There are a crapload of talentless wannabes with cameras in this business, and believe me, we all think we’re Orson Welles, Martin Scorcese and the Coens rolled into one, but I am the worst of them all!

That is huge! I mean, you realize, some of these guys even have websites!

Sadly, the agency presenting these awards is little more than a rabid, hobbling hillbilly typing out his angry, semi-literate missives through a Bud Light haze from a rusting trailer somewhere in the backwoods of Buttfuck, Arkanssippi, which makes me doubt my worthiness to accept such an accolade… but fuck it! I’m an egomaniac, and an award’s an award, right?

It would be nice if the guy giving it to you were invested enough to spell-check his own posts, or even put the apostrophe on the “s” in your award, but my ego can ignore the shortcomings of anyone giving me any award! Besides, us trailer trash boys gots tuh stick tuhgether!

I’ll post a photo of myself with the statue once it arrives (personally, I’m hoping for a second-hand Pop Warner trophy!). In the meantime, I’d like to thank Ethan Cage for alerting me to my new award or I might not have know about it at all.

In honor of all the worthies I’ve bested for this singular compliment, I’d like to have a little contest: post the three directors who comprise your favorite over-inflated porn egomaniac. Best-in-Show gets a free copy of ICON, my latest pretense at achievement.

Here’s two obvious ones to start you off:

Greg Araki+Jean-Luc Godard+Clive Donner=Eon McKai

Michael Bay+Brett Ratner+Robert Stevenson=Joone

Have fun, and happy ’09.

Whatcha think?

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