Saturday night. Technically Sunday morning. Mischief arrives around 1 a.m.

I know, you’re confused. Last week, my writers were a little vague with her backstory when it looked like she was being written out of the series. However, she just renegotiated her option, and it looks like she’s gotten bumped from “recurring” to “series regular,” so we’ve put together a special teaser prologue for this episode to bring everyone up to speed.

When we first met, it was with the clear and expressed understanding that we were just marking time.

  • Allison – Mischief – has a biological imperative and wants spawn; I think kids are a virus you have to buy shoes for and have a 15-year-old vasectomy.
  • She wants the ceremony; I think marriage is for suckers.
  • She’s 26; I’m… old…
  • She’s a serial monogamist; I’m a serial…

Um, let’s not put that in writing, shall we?

Serious dating was off the table as a complete non-starter. But we encountered a problem: we hit it off. We really get along, and very quickly, we found ourselves carefully talking around the obvious, significant connection we both felt. Because we can’t date. We’re both rational people, and I’m even a rational adult.

And yet. I mean, this is a girl who, when we were discussing sex, said to me “Basically, anything that might happen during your average violent rape is good.” Be still my beating heart.

Things like that are why I named her Mischief. Being a blogger and child of the internet, she has more pseudonyms than rednecks have teeth, but I needed an appellation of my own, and I realized that this smart, snarky, dirty 26-year-old was trouble. Would BE trouble.

Then we reached the end of the first act, where all of our conflict occurs.

Mischief writes an anonymous blog. I found it right after our first date (after 27 tedious seconds of searching), but I don’t read it out of respect. I’m chewing through the archives from before we met, but I don’t read the current posts so she can write with impunity. Which must be nice.

And the blog isn’t Goth-Biscuit.com so don’t bother. I digress.

A large part of her blog is devoted to her on-again, off-again relationship with (we’ll call him) Gríos, a balding, dominant douchebag man in his 40s with a shady past who has business in aspects of the sex industry.

Stop it. It’s not that funny.

All seriousness aside, the similarities between Gríos & I are purely superficial. The more I find out about him, the more certain I become that we are not of a kind. While we seem to know many of the same people (and, in fact, I’m sure looking at his photo that I know Gríos from somewhere, but cannot conjure it) he is not of my tribe.

For the better part of a year, through three break-ups, Allison was crazy about the guy. Obsessed. From early days, she was convinced that he was The One, her Personal Jesus. Except. Gríos has a vasectomy, refuses to get married, and won’t conscion monogamy.

No, really, knock it off. We don’t even look alike. You’re just embarrassing yourself, now.

Those sticking points turned into the eventual wedge that drove Mischief to break it off once and for all. If the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, she needed to move on.

That was a couple months ago. Since then she’s had virtually no contact with Gríos. Until the last week of May when he surfaced. Proposing marriage. In the comments section of her blog.

Let’s break this down. For a year, a man my age dicks around with a girl in her 20s who’s got scars all over her heart like seeds on a strawberry, in what sounds to me like a vastly one-sided relationship. When she gets fed up with the imbalance, he breaks it off, knowing she’ll come back, anxious to take whatever emotional table-scraps he’s willing to give.

A year later, she’s grown stronger. She’s had it, and she walks away. Instead of letting go, he tracks down her blog, and when it looks like she might be getting over it and moving on, he returns from the dead! Deus ex fucking machina! Behold! My name is Legion, look upon me and despair!

Okay, melodramatic, but Jesus. I spoke to Mischief a few times over that weekend as she was away in San Francisco. Gríos was pushing her hard. “Let’s do it right now. Meet me in Vegas tomorrow morning.” Left-field as it all was, part of me knew she was going to go for it.

I did my due diligence. Told her I thought it was nuts, and why. Why the rush? What’s changed? Why now? I told her there was no way a man Gríos’ age didn’t understand the emotional turmoil he was putting her through. I didn’t understand why a lover would do that.

I figured, assuming Gríos didn’t just discover something terminal, he was acting as a classic sociopath, making a movie in his head of how it “should be.” I told Allison I didn’t believe he saw her as a real person, just an abstract notion, an idealized “thing” to own, an objet d’vivre.

I recognize the sociopath in Gríos because I have a lot of sociopathic tendencies myself, and in most cases, it takes one to know one.

Okay, I’m really not going to tell you again. The smirk is unbecoming. Chill.

Naturally, Allison defended him. I didn’t understand his thinking, and it’s possible that I didn’t. But I’ve learned something in life: If you have a significant other you constantly have to defend to others using the “s/he’s not really like that” defense, guess what? The one who’s mistaken is almost always you.

The engagement lasted a week.

…to be continued

2 Responses to Randomly Occurring Female

  • Freiherr Karza von Karnstein says:

    This is a sad story, but I am happy to hear that it has a happy ending as succintly described in your last sentence.

    However, I have to contest your self-description as a “sociopath.” A diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder (the technical term for “sociopath”) requires three of the following criteria, none of which are apparent in you:

    **”Lack of conforming to laws, as evidenced by repeatedly committing crimes” (It would have been pretty hard for you to consistently produce and direct high calibre films in the past decade if you had been locked up for this)

    **”Repeated deceitfulness in relationships with others, such as lying, using false names, or conning others for profit or pleasure” (Kind of hard to accomplish when your life is virtually an open online book)

    ** “Failure to think or plan ahead (impulsivity)” (The exact opposite of someone who, like you, already has every comma and adverb in place in your head before you put pen to paper or index finger to left mouse button to write something)

    **”Tendency to irritability, anger, and aggression, as shown by repeatedly assaulting others or getting into frequent physical fights” (It was pointed out by a third party in your post “Upload” podcast “It takes a lot to get [you] angry.”)

    ** “Disregard for personal safety or the safety of others” (Entirely inconsistent with you physically chastising a certain male performer for getting too rambunctious with Ms. Ireland on the set of “Upload,” and with you instantaneously converting two extras into involuntary astronauts after they behaved inappropriately towards Ms. Rayne on the set of “The 8th Day.” Not to mention that you, as is now well-known, sacrificed a comfortable and lucrative status quo to help out a close friend.)

    ** “Persistent lack of taking responsibility, such as failing to establish a pattern of good work habits or keeping financial obligations” (Entirely inconsistent with someone who works 16-18 hour days and who–and this is key–worked 16-18 hour+ days for months under such extremely adverse conditions on the sets of “Upload” and “The 8th Day.”)

    ** “A lack of feeling guilty about wrong-doing” (Entirely inconsistent with someone whose Myspace blog has multiple entries condemning wrong-doings, most notably condemning the anti-social behaviour of football players on Thanksgiving and celebrating the demise of Jesse Helms. Not to mention that you named the protagonist of “Corruption” after Helms, and then proceeded to make that character the most vile figure you possibly could.)

    There is a distinction between misanthropy (which almost everyone who has lived long enough has at least a degree of) and the clinical condition of Antisocial Personality Disorder.

  • Bryn Pryor says:

    I would love to let you argue my case in court, Baron, but the fact is… Um, yeah. E: All of the above. Not all the time, and not often, but I’ve been — at times — a textbook sociopath.

Whatcha think?

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