Daily Archives: May 12, 2012

Here’s my big Saturday night in Mobile… throwing gang signs in the hotel laundry room.

After we wrapped at 7 a.m. this morning, Hollywood & I cleaned up, and then drove from Mobile, through Mississippi and across to Slidell, Louisiana so he could get to the nearest Chase bank… 160 mile round-trip.

This is me getting a ticket for going 93 through Mississippi on the way back. I’m sure the fine is huge, though I have no intention of paying it. Surely, I can avoid Mississippi for another 7 years…

For those who don’t get the reference, it’s from Star Trek. A “dunsel” is a part which serves no useful purpose.

As I near the end of my interminable, self-imposed exile in the wilds of Alabama, I’ve been reflecting on my life. Being on the wrong side of forty, this tends to happen more often than it should. Contemplating the accumulated consequence of my life’s work to date, the words “insignificant,” “trivial,” and “irrelevant” come to mind.

As a filmmaker, my career consists of bad, unfinished, or embarrassing mainstream films, and a laundry list of inconsequential porn films. My career as an actor stalled years ago. As a writer, well… I write a lot of porn scripts. Case closed.

As a person, I’m not doing much better. I recently had another girl I was banging (that’s five in two years for those of you playing the home game) decide to stop seeing me because she was falling for me. In this particular girl’s case, I would never have dated her. But the two previous girls who made this same decision were absolutely girls I would date, so it isn’t a commitment issue, at least on my part. Apparently, the consensus is I’m just unworthy of affection. It’s like a scarlet letter, but in reverse.

That might be the worst analogy ever coined in the English language. But you take my point.

To make matters worse, lately I’ve been a truly miserable fuck. Yes, I’m always bitter and angry, but this has been bad. I’ve been avoiding contact with my friends as much as possible because I don’t want to inflict myself on them. Alice has made a creditable attempt at reaching out, but I know I’ve been driving her insane. And Mischief, if she understood me better, would do anything to make me happy, but I would never let her because she’s supposed to be gaining distance from me.

Until very recently I was actually formulating a plan to simply vanish when the Alabama job was finished, starting a new life under a new name (don’t ask how… I have my ways) and beginning again. Except for cats, and several girls who don’t want to fuck me lest they catch a bad case of the Bryn, there is very little tying me to L.A.

I think the idea sprouted out of the hurt stemming from this (seemingly) constant rejection of me as both a worthy companion (whether I want to be or not), and the more recent, implicit, rejection of my worth on a professional level. I got replaced as the DP on two porn gigs a few weeks ago, and not only did the shoots go smoothly, several people were genuinely relieved to be rid of me.

Given my current mindset, it was an easy leap to make from there to just removing myself from the entire equation, because the fact is, I really wouldn’t be missed. Not for long. I’m not being melodramatic, I’m being logical. People adapt, and move on.

K has her own life and a budding career as an artist. Hollywood, like me, is a pragmatist, and after some initial angst, would conclude it was my decision to make. Alice would feel obligated to miss me, but it would pass pretty quickly (I’d like to think her feelings wouldn’t become actual relief, but it’s possible). Red recently told me to go fuck myself. Blue and D and the rest would mentally shrug and get on with life, as would my old friends and exes. Mischief would be more crushed by my disappearance than anyone, but frankly, my absence would be the best thing for her.

But I can’t. As tantalizing as the notion of running away from home is, I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s cowardly. It also wouldn’t solve anything; as I said to Alice, my biggest problem is myself, and I’d just be schlepping that around with me.

So, instead, I’m going to not give up.

Here’s the new plan: Unpack in my “new” apartment and make a fucking life there. Focus on the steampunk short, Cowboys & Engines, I’m going to be doing at the end of the summer with CM50 (a moviemaking colleague) producing, which is something I’m really excited about. I’ve got lines on getting both The Blood of Virgins and Director’s Cut off the ground that I’m going to pursue. I’m hoping REDACTED, the micro-budget horror film I shot last November, will open some mainstream doors. I’m going to start submitting to auditions again. And I’m going to re-establish myself as a porn director, because that chapter of my life has been pretty good to me, and I need to begin respecting it.

In short, I’m going to try… try… to be happy. It’s not my best talent, but I’m gonna have a lash at it anyway.

And maybe, along the way, I’ll find some filthy little hooker who likes dirty old men. And maybe she’ll want to hang around for a while.

Just a thought.

To Captain Dunsel.

  • Just got in after shooting all night, and I swear the maid took a dump in my bathroom when she cleaned the room. #
  • @DianaPrinceXXX I'm excited to see them. #
  • @BurnettRM I'm sorry, but we both know that in the real world, the holodeck would be used for ONE THING, and the floor would be like glue. #
  • @MissLarkinLove awesome! Now if I can outlast Alabama, we have a date! #
  • @brooklynleexxx whom told you that? #
  • @DianaPrinceXXX @jediofdoom Oh yeah… Reb Brown with his feathered hair, clear plastic shield and motorcycle! Pure cheese. #
  • This little guy… (photo) http://t.co/vLLUZFK2 #
  • @LDerdiger You didn't piss me off at all, hon. No worries. ;) #
  • That's it. No more sex with civilians. Porn girls are also fucking nuts, but at least it's in a way I generally understand. #
  • @brooklynleexxx Agreed. #
  • @pornlaw As I said… we in porn: outlaws. #
  • …I mean, that's like… Rick Santorum teaching evolution to Catholic school.kids ironic. #
  • Listening to Science Friday on NPR while driving in Alabama is irony on a level I just can't wrap my head around… #
  • @Penny_Pax for a minute I thought you found the cupping set and used it without me. SUCH a spanking! #
  • Mother of fucking god, people in the south have NOWHERE to go, and all GODDAMNED DAY to get there. #
  • Just got a big, cold bucket of Self-Loathing Helper (like Hamburger Helper, but more neurotic) dumped over my head. Good. Morning. #

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Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, ‘… I drank what?’ — Val Kilmer as Chris Knight, Real Genius