Usually, I feel like I spend most of my year-end wrap-up bitching and moaning about how awful my life is. This time that’s not going to be the case. It’s true that 2013 had its pitfalls — what year doesn’t? — but some truly astonishing things happened last year, and to complain about the piddly shit seems like it would be an insult to the major events that have overshadowed everything.

First off, I started 2013 in Paris, so how much complaining can I reasonably do? Came home to win some AVN awards, launch our Kickstarter campaign, and start prep for Cowboys & Engines. I feel like, in a lot of ways, it got better from there…

Of course the two major events from 2013 were C&E  and meeting The Unicorn. Both are the kind of life-altering occurrence that affects everything for years to come, and both have been breathtaking.

As Cowboys & Engines moves towards completion, I’m thrilled with how it’s turning out. And reflecting back on the production of it, I’m in awe of what we accomplished. I’ve become friends with Richard Hatch, and television star I watched every week as a kid, and I got to direct Malcolm McDowell, who has been an icon of mine since I first saw Clockwork Orange at an age when I should have been constrained to Scooby Doo. I still don’t quite understand how it all happened, and the end product is gonna be fuckin’ awesome.

As for the girl who has become such a huge part of my life so quickly it makes both our heads swim, it’s farcical to even try to put it into words. Our relationship is unlikely, improbable, slightly ridiculous, and it works so well. It’s simply effortless. We marvel at each other and this… thing… we’ve lucked into, and the end product of us is also gonna be fuckin’ awesome.

Really, the rest of the year pales in comparison. Work has been shit, and I’m yet again incredibly poor. We lost James Gandolfini, Lou Reed, and, of course, Peter O’Toole. It was a shitty year for movies, filled with crap like Iron Man 3, World War Z  and  Elysium. In fact, while Pacific Rim was the most fun I had at the movies all year, the only film of 2013 that really took my breath away was Inside Llewyn Davis. I enjoyed LincolnCaptain Phillips, and even the insanely overrated Gravity, but the Coen’s understated masterpiece following a month in the life of an uprooted folksinger in ’60s New York is jaw-droppingly beautiful.

If I had to pick the most offensive film of 2013, it’s easily The Man of Steel. I’m sure had I seen Into Darkness, it would have competition, but since I didn’t, Zack Snyder’s last pile of offal easily walks away with the title of Film I Most Want to Drag Into an Alley and Beat the Shit Out Of.

Looking forward, I’m actually excited for the coming year. Yeah, I gotta make some money, and yeah, the porn industry is dying. But so many other areas of my life are full of potential. There are plans for things to do and places to go and projects to work on. This is a year flush with possibility.

Once upon a time, I had the gift of being able to make things happen; I could put pieces together and through sheer force of will, cause them to begin working. I don’t know if it’s The Unicorn or C&E or sheer bloody necessity, but I feel as if I regained that, and it’s thrilling.

So, 2014, I’m ready for you. You ready for me?

Whatcha think?

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
— Charles M. Schulz