I’ve spent more words blogging about why I didn’t/haven’t/don’t blog than I have writing blogs. The excuses can all be found in previous blogs, and still work.

However, we’re in the final weeks of prep before we begin shooting Diminuendo, and I’ve been asked by the producers to begin blogging again so there’s something to hang early PR on.

“Diminuendo,” you say. “What’s that?” It’s a feature film I’m directing which I co-wrote with Sarah Goldberger. It’s stars Richard Hatch, Chloe Dykstra, Leah Cairns, James Deen, Gigi Edgley, Dia Frampton and Walter Koenig. It’s a science-fiction romance that starts shooting on August 14 and it’s gonna be awesome.

It’s also the only thing I’ll be able to talk about soon, so I’m going to leave it for another day. It’s the middle of Comic-Con, so let’s talk pop culture. Here’s a very brief update since my last blog…

  • Zero Theorem. Was super-excited for this, but missed it. Still haven’t watched the disc.
  • Men, Women & Children. Fantastic, which bears some relevance later.
  • Gone Girl. Fine. Not Fincher’s best.
  • Whiplash. Script-by-rote with one standout performance.
  • Fury. So very ALMOST a good and interesting film, but… not.
  • Birdman. Fucking AMAZING, and, yes, if you missed it, he’s dead.
  • Nightcrawler. Interesting take on the creep-as-photographer.
  • Horns. Stop. Don’t. You’ll regret it.
  • Interstellar. I really should have done a full review on this guy, but overall, I loved it.
  • Big Hero 6. Some Disney tropes I didn’t care for, but overall, a blast.
  • Theory of Everything. Difficult and wonderful.
  • Rosewater. Meh.
  • The Imitation Game. An even more impressive and heartbreaking Breaking the Code.
  • Exodus. The final plague was this film.
  • Inherent Vice. Wait. Maybe the final plague was THIS film. Ugh.
  • American Sniper. Absented from its various propaganda, this is a mostly entertaining film about a basket case with good aim.
  • Blackhat. I’m one of the ten people who saw it, and I still don’t care.
  • Jupiter Ascending. WTF did I just watch? Is this movie a joke? Makes Fifth Element seems gritty and real.
  • SpongeBob: Sponge Out of Water. Don’t ask why, just know that seeing this movie while not on drugs is apparently a mistake.
  • Kingsman. Hated it. Thought the action sequences were over-the-top and silly. Cared about no one.
  • Chappie. Neil Blomkamp is now 1 for 3.
  • Ex Machina. The Unicorn & I seem to be the only people on Earth who thought this film was obvious and dull.
  • Avengers: Age of Ultron. Liked it better than the first Avengers, but needed to be half an hour longer.
  • Mad Max: Fury Road. The. Best. Movie. Of. The. Year.
  • Tomorrowland. Not the worst, but close. Damn, Brad Bird, really?
  • Inside Out. Stunning. The first Pixar movie in years that feels like Pixar.
  • The Overnight. This was way better when it was Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.
  • Tangerine. I hate this movie so goddamned much. If I could drag this into an alley and kick it until it died from internal bleeding, I would do it.
  • Ant-Man. Thank Bob not every Marvel movie has to be about saving the world. Friggin’ awesome, and also, Giant Thomas!!!
  • Mr. Holmes. A little too saccharine around the edges, but still a fine performance.
  • The Fantastic Four. Every bit as bad as you heard. Every. Bit.
  • The Diary of a Teenage Girl. This movie is fantastic. Tiny and warm-hearted and real.
  • The Man From UNCLE. The Kingsman in the 60s. All style, ZERO substance.
  • A Walk in the Woods. I love this book so much I almost made myself like the film. Almost.
  • Black Mass. Between Johnny Depp’s hairpiece and his teeth, I forgot to watch the movie. Totally underwhelmed.
  • Sicario. Well, it’s gorgeous to look at.
  • The Martian. Loved it. This generation’s Apollo 13. Best Ridley Scott film in decades.
  • Steve Jobs. Seriously, was there a story here and I missed it? I know nothing about Jobs at the end I didn’t know going in. He starts and ends as an aesthetics-obsessed difficult dick. That’s not a movie.
  • Bridge of Spies. Feels like one of Frank Capra’s lesser efforts. This movie needed to be made in the 60s.
  • Rock the Kasbah. God, I wanted to like this… but, alas.
  • Brooklyn. Beatiful, simple, and delicate.
  • Spectre. This movie proves that even people you respect can make a monumental, expensive turd when they just don’t care.
  • The Big Short. Good overall, but feels a bit gimmicky.
  • Where to Invade Next. It’s a shame this got such lousy distribution because I think a lot of the Michael Moore-averse would have liked it. Really more about solutions to problems than pointing out the massive bullshit we put up with in this country.
  • The Revenant. Fucking gorgeous, but utterly without story. Two-plus hours of lovingly-photographed torture porn and a stunning achievement, but not a movie.
  • The Hateful Eight. Saw the roadshow engagement and loved it. Classic Tarantino. Not sure what the hate was about.
  • Hail, Caesar! The Coens doing golden age Hollywood and it was magical.
  • Deadpool. Dumb as a box of rocks, but what a blast. Should put the nail in the coffin of all other superhero movies at Fox, since they seem clueless.
  • Batman v Superman. Calling this giant disaster out as the pile of shit it is kind of feels like gut-punching a toddler with progeria at this point, but holy fuck is this a bad film.
  • Captain America: Civil War. Epic. Amazing. The best superhero film ever made. More than a great Marvel universe installment, this is just a great film.
  • X-Men: Apocalypse. Mentioning this because normally I would have been there opening night. Instead, I just couldn’t muster the interest to go. Still haven’t seen it, and have heard nothing compelling to make me want to fix that.
  • Finding Dory. Yeah, it’s pretty goddamned great.

There. We’re all caught up. Let me wrap up by listing the big summer blockbusters I have skipped or plan to skip. Once upon a time, I would have been at every one of these. Now…? Movies have become such a shitshow I just don’t have the patience. Not seeing: The Nice Guys, WarCraft, Independence Day Resurgence, Legend of Tarzan, Ghostbusters or Star Trek Beyond.

Must be getting old.

I’m going to try to blog four times a week, even if it’s a short blast. For next time, it’s no secret I’m a big fan of Jason Reitman. I love his films, and think he’s a gifted director, so I want to talk about his Hulu series Casual, and how it made me want to put my fist through the screen.

In a bad way.

Okay, so it’s been a tough week. Poor me, right? I promise I’ll quit whining shortly. I’m giving myself the weekend to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing, and then Monday I have to snap out of it.

I promise a really vicious, snarky and (hopefully) entertaining blog first thing next week, so quit complaining, all y’all. In the meantime, I’ll let you folks vote on the subject matter. I’ve had rants brewing about a few different topics, so I’ll let you pick which one it is. Either e-mail me or post a comment to vote…

You can have

Why Violet Blue (the writer) is a total asshole.
The story of the bike-riding douchebag I almost ran down intentionally.
A grab-bag of thoughts about recent and upcoming movies and shows.
The Eli Cross career update (c’mon. Really?).
That political tirade I’ve been keeping stifled for months now.

Lemme know what you want. I live to serve… or serve to live… or something… (and ain’t that the fuckin’ dismal truth).

In the meantime, if anyone out there can score me an invite code for Demonoid, I’ll not only love ya forever, I’ll send you free porn.

For those of you who are interested in such things, part one of my Corruption production diary went up on the movie page this morning. You can find that here.

Otherwise, it’s a tough-getting-started day. I very badly need to be working on editing Corruption. Instead I’m drifting in a bob’s-sake-it’s-hot-in-my-office kind of haze, looking for things to get distracted by. Like pointless MySpace ranting. Like how we’re going to pay the rent. Like the e-mail I just got from Ginger Lynn exhorting me to do terrible things to her (she and Kylie and I have been trying to schedule a date for about 87 years now, and one or the other of us always has to cancel… Soon, Ginger, I promise! I ain’t givin’ up!), which I very much want to do. Like watching my cat Basil being all sneaky-like stealing a cracker from my chili just so he can crunch it to pieces (he doesn’t eat it, just likes crumbling it up). Like looking at this incredibly filthy video my wacky friends in the Ukraine sent me.

Like doing anything but working.

Part of the problem is that I’m not a big fan of looking at myself onscreen, and there’s a whole lot of me in this movie (that alone might kill sales). Luckily, you never see me naked, at least not explicitly. But I’m not enjoying watching so much of me chewing the scenery.

Also, I’m cutting the beginning of the movie, and it’s tough. You have to have a structure in your head to edit correctly, an imaginary animatic, for those of you hip to the new Hollywood methods, and I’ve got too many running around. I have to settle into how I want the movie to start, and commit to that structure, then I can just go. In the meantime I’m floundering.

It was the same when I ran AVN, when I was Mark Logan to the porn-world-at-large. If I had a big story to do, I couldn’t write a single word until I had the first paragraph or more written in my head. Sometimes it took minutes, sometimes days. Incidentally, this is what I looked like back in those days.

I’m considering posting some of the more entertaining pieces I did for the various magazines I’ve written for over the years… if anyone’s interested, drop me a line.

Okay, really, I should do some work… or bitch about Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

Kylie and I went to see it last week. She gets a knot in her panties over Johnny Depp, so pretty much anything the Deppster is in, we end up seeing (okay, not Charlie and the Freaky Johnny-is-Playing-Michael-Jackson-Ohmigod-That’s-Creepy Chocolate Factory), but just about anything else, good, bad, or just mediocre. I went to the first Pirates under protest; how could a movie based on a theme park ride possibly be anything but crap, especially when directed by Gore –The MexicanVerbinski. And, worse, a Bruckheimer movie?

I loved it. Thought it was great fun, JD was terrific, and even Orlando Blooom’s wooden acting and Keira Knightly’s forever-open-hanging-mouth didn’t ruin it. So I was pretty optimistic aboutPriates 2.

Bad idea.

What. A piece. Of shit. That movie is a mess. It’s eveything that’s bad about sequels rolled up and distilled in one huge, loud, over-art-directed, over-long, half-written pile of summer-movie crap. Nobody is trying, not even Johnny Depp. The effects are so over-the-top they Shanghai the movie completely, and the script doesn’t even pretend to make sense. Seven or eight (felt like it) hours of my life I will never get back.

Okay, really… working…

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