Relationships

It’s been a strange week. Last weekend I had a small epiphany regarding someone I had thought I was very close to. In reality, they don’t think of me as a close friend at all. At best, we’re work friends or strong acquaintances. I had the actual realization last Thursday, but over the weekend it began to sink in that I was down another friend (even if that friendship existed only in my head). In taking stock, I became aware that I have a total of two people in my life with whom I ever do or discuss anything other than specific work, or the business in general.

Why do I bottle shit up, or rant about it here? Apparently I do it because I don’t have a helluva lot of other options.

Yeesh. That’s gotta change.

Tuesday I had a long-delayed dinner with a girl I’m gonna call XJN, for reasons that will become readily apparent if she becomes a fixture on this blog. Which I hope she does. We’ve known each other for years, but we’d never gone on a date before. Hell, I wasn’t even sure it was a date until we spent a couple hours after dinner just walking around talking. It was easy and fun, and we have a loose plan to hang out on my couch, watch movies and… whatever… the next time I’m free. Sadly, at the moment, that looks to be 2018, but I’ll see if I can’t make room.

Afterwards, I met up with LL and a couple of her friends at a bar in Noho so we could flirt, drive each other crazy, and talk about her relationship, which isn’t going too swimmingly at the moment. She’s working on Cowboys & Engines with me, so I’ll be seeing a lot of her as that goes forward. We’ll have plenty of opportunities to frustrate the hell out of ourselves, which is fine because I love spending time with her.

I spent Wednesday cutting together the re-enactment of a grisly murder from 2006 in which a girl ends up dead in a wheelbarrow, her corpse burned almost beyond recognition. It’s all part of a mainstream project about a private detective in Palm Desert that Hollywood is directing.

Yesterday, I shot a bunch of promo spots for Vivid’s new camgirls site. Today I was focused on getting the audition breakdowns for C&E out, and getting the very basic website with the casting info up. If you’re looking for that, you’re in the wrong place, BTW. Try looking here.

See? Weird week.

My incredibly hot friend JJ is supposed to be in town this weekend, and we’re scheduled to hook up. Haven’t seen her since January, so that would be good.

Things have been quiet with Vega, because she’s been out of town. Way out of town. Since she’s been back, I’ve gotten hints, prods and outright threats regarding getting together. She’s supposed to come over Sunday, but I took a gig doing a Lingerie Football League spot in Vegas Sunday night, so that has to wait. Sorry, hon (god, I’m a dick).

After this weekend, chaos ensues. Work for C&E,  work for other people, work in general. I have one or two more screen tests to shoot for Green Door, a day covering the auditions for Jeff Mullen’s Wizard of Oz XXX (that oughtta be surreal), a prospective date with Ink, and the Sleeping Beauty XXX shoot with Rob Black. And that’s just up till next Sunday.

“Free time” is about to become a foreign concept, but that’s good because that means things are happening. That’s what movies feel like, and I’ve missed it. I used to wake up every morning thinking about a particular girl. Since I made a concerted effort to get over her, I usually wake up thinking about C&E, which is a marked improvement. I’ll take being fixated on this film to being fixated on someone who doesn’t want me any day.

I was about to close with the sentence, “a movie can’t break your heart,” but anybody who’s ever made one knows that is completely untrue. If I had a heart to break, a movie I’m directing would be one of the few things able to do it.

Because sitting around alone at my desk working on a Sunday afternoon leads to a lot of introspection. Which usually leads to me feeling like shit.

I know, I know; it’s just the MCWBT.

Fuck.

It’s been almost two years since I last posted this. Here, Tim Minchin performs what is, without doubt, the most awesome song about relationships ever:

Interesting day. Today, I sat in on the first round of auditions for Behind the Green Door, Vivid’s big-budget remake/reboot of the porn classic, directed by adult legend Paul Thomas. After shooting camera for PT, we have a genuine respect for each other that goes deeper than when we were simply directors across the room at the AVN Awards. He’s been getting my input on the script as its developing. We’ve been having a lot of behind-the-scene discussions about casting, and I’m honored he wants to include me in this process.

I’m not going to name any names, but as with any big casting call in porn, we had some great reads, some weird reads, and some really, really bad reads. There was also a lot of press, which just made everyone more nervous and helped not at all. I think the flack from Buzz Media was disappointed that it was just people reading from the script. When he first walked in, he asked, “what does a porn casting entail?”

I told him each person auditioning was going to come in and blow the director. At the end of the day, he’d decide who sucked the best cock for each role. Since we had guys as well as girls auditioning, this process might be a little uncomfortable for the uninitiated. He blinked at me and thought I was utterly serious until I cracked a smile.

We did have a few highlights, however. We had the girl/girl only girl read for the part that does a no-holes-barred interracial gangbang. We had the porn industry perennial who always sounds like a cross between John Wayne & Mr. Ed when he “acts.” We had the little Hispanic girl whose read was actually pretty good if the lead were a first-generation Columbian immigrant. And given that the industry has a very vanilla talent pool at the moment, it was awesome to watch the girl’s faces as Marci, Vivid’s head of production, asked each, “Do you do interracial?” “Anal?” “How about gangbangs?”

For me, being a producer has made auditions as an actor so much easier. Once you’ve been on the other side, you know how often decisions are made based on a million factors other than simply who was the best actor? So much comes into play that is completely and utterly out of the actor’s control that I never feel pressure in auditions anymore. I just go, read, and forget it ever happened.

In other news, I saw The Dark Knight Rises yesterday, and I loved it. I will not be posting my review until next week, to keep the spoilers off the page.

Lastly, I’ve gotten 8 e-mails and DMs asking about the outcome of the Huge, Epic Mistake I presaged for myself back in mid-May. I’m sworn to secrecy about the particulars, so here’s the very generic answer: It was exactly the huge mistake I feared. Basically, against my better judgement, I told someone the exact truth — brutal honesty — about a particular situation. I spilled my guts, let them deep into my head, told them exactly how I felt.

I will never do that again. Not only was the end result the opposite of the outcome I hoped for, telling the truth actually destroyed all possibility of that outcome ever happening at all.

For those who’ve been bugging me, that’s all ya get. I’m sorry there isn’t more detail. I guess you’ll have to wait for my book. In the meantime, remember these words of wisdom from Mark Twain as you go forward in life: “It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open ones mouth and remove all doubt.”

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