Geek Magazine

Now that my Geek magazine interview is out (you can read the first page for free onGeek’s Homepage; to read the rest, go buy the goddamn magazine ya cheap bastards!) I thought it might be worthwhile to comment on the fact that I often feel like I’m a bad geek. Not bad as in “evil;” I would accept that as axiomatic. I mean bad as in “not a very good one.”

Case in point: for the last two days we’ve had a mainstream film renting our loft. I could go on about the quaint way the quaint little B-movie girls with their quaint little “I-didn’t-make-cheerleader-but-I-was-in-the-flag-corps” actorette attitudes werehorrified by the dungeon/porno/pervert accoutrements that make our place unique (in fact I think I did just go on about it), but that really isn’t the point.

The caterer on the show — a young guy with spiky hair (didn’t get his name) is such a huge comics fan that he has an enormous, brilliantly executed tattoo wrapping his right calf of Batman, Catwoman and the Joker. But here’s the thing; the portraits are taken from photos of the actors from the Tim Burton movies, and all I could think wasJesus, couldn’t ya find source images from something that doesn’t suck ass?

See, the geek in me should have just gotten a chub over a Batman tattoo. But a functioning critical faculty is the death or true geekery. I realize there are people who love the Burton Batman, and even some who love Batman Returns, but I think those movies are shit. I fell asleep in Batman. And as a serious film, Batman Returns makes a fine camp sequel to the original 1967 Batman it’s such a fucking joke.

Yeah, I love comics, but I also realize that a lot of them — most, in fact — are really,really childish and stupid. I have a tattoo in Elvish, but it’s because I love the Tolkien books. I loathe Jackson’s films with such violent passion that if I ever get that fat Kiwi fuck alone in a room for ten minutes, one of us is going to need an ambulance.

Honestly, there are a lot of holy grails of geek culture I simply have no passion for. I hated what I saw of Buffy, basically disliked Serenity, and don’t think much of Joss Whedon in general. The Matrix films lost me the minute Kanoe-nu opened his mouth.Star Trek ended when Kirk died (in a really shitty movie). Star Wars ended in 1983. And don’t get me started on what I think about the upcoming Geriatric Jones and the Crystal Wheelchair

There are brief moments of light. Batman Begins was fantastic, and I have great hope for The Dark Knight. I have more tentative hope for Iron Man. But my normal reaction when I hear about some new genre-oriented project is not hope, but quiet, inward, groaning despair. This, I always presume, is really gonna suck

Which doesn’t change the fact that I’m about eight years old emotionally, and I own a fuck of a lot of toys. That alone seems to be enough geek cred to get me in the magazine of record for those who have opinions about whether Deep Space Nine is better than Babylon Five. (My answer is C: They’re both utter shit.)

But enjoy the interview anyway.

I’m supposed to be working on the script for Upload, my big summer show for SexZ at the moment, so it seems like a good time to blog since I haven’t posted one since, oh, 1887 or something. Plus, this saves me a general “catching up” e-mail to about two-dozen people I haven’t written to since at least 1886. You know who you are. Love ya, man. Or girl.

Whatever. Incidentally, if you forward this blog to at least 20 more people, you’ll receive wealth, fame, popularity, pleasant breath, a larger penis and/or breasts, lose weight, gain muscle and achieve Total Consciousness. So you’ll have that going for ya.

Life has been pretty damned… oh, fuck that. Insanely, crazily, psychotically busy since AEE. I’ve signed a deal to direct exclusively for SexZ Pictures (who else is gonna let me make movies likeCorruption?) and have taken over as their head of production, a post they’ve never really had manned before, so the “office” is a bit of a mess, if you take my meaning.

One of my first decisions was to hire David Aaron Clark to direct a feature for us from a spectacular script he’s been sitting on for a few years called Doll Parts. David’s a really amazing writer and director with a terrific eye and a very original sensibility, and everyone at SexZ is excited as hell about this movie. Details will come as we lock down cast, dates, etc.

We also got several XRCO nominations for Corruption which was a welcome surprise. I’ve always seen the XRCO as skewing towards fluffier fare, so it was extremely generous of them to nominate us. I guess we can officially refer to Corruption as an “epic” now since we got nominated in that category (I know, I know, “you made a four-fuckin-hour-long porn movie, asshole! How is that notepic?!?”)

K&I finally saw The Departed which I’ll talk about on another day. We also watched Idiocracy, which actually isn’t a documentary about the Bush administration. If you haven’t seen the movie (and most of you haven’t, hence the $12 it made in its theatrical release), it’s worth a spin. It certainly isn’t a work of brilliance, but it’s worth watching just for the fact that it probably represents a fairly accurate view of humanity’s future.

The movie follows Luke Wilson as he plays Luke Wilson, a completely average slacker who does a highly implausible Buck Rogers and ends up in a future where evolution has resulted in a human race so pathetically stupid that Luke is now by far the smartest man on the planet.

Like most things in life, it would be funny if it weren’t true. Sure, parts of the movie are worth a chuckle, but in an excruciating way. Kinda like that Ben Stiller seal-clubbing movie I’m sure is in development. Or that Will Ferrell movie where he plays the really dumb guy with overstressed hair, outrageous clothes and a lame accent being really successful at something he’s really bad at.

Oh, wait. That’s not a movie. That’s Will Ferrell’s life.

Lastly, speaking of bad comedy, I’m going to be profiled in an upcoming issue of Geekmagazine. No, really. And if that isn’t a straightline you can make something out of, I don’t know what is.

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