I spend the majority of my day either pretending that I don’t care, or pretending that I do.”

First off, welcome to my newly-redesigned blog. Hope you like it, ’cause I did it myself. Well, me and a fresh install of Artisteer.

Vega’s been out of town (way out of town) for a while, now, so things are quiet on that front.

Blue came over Wednesday night. We had an amazing time — as we always do — and I finally sent her home around 2:30am. During the course of the evening, we looked up the origin of the phrase roman à clef, decided I need a memory foam mattress and realized I need to take her to the breathtakingly strange and awesome Museum of Jurassic Technology. It was a delicious evening. And I needed it, as this week has been intensely bittersweet.

On Monday, I got word from a company I’ve done lots of work with that I’m going to be relegated to directing the shittiest, low-budget features you can possibly do and still complete a movie. It was a real slap in the face. The kick in the balls was swallowing my pride and taking it with a smile because I’m in constant, dire financial straits and can’t afford the luxuries of ego, self-esteem or convictions. Still, I can’t help but wonder how many fucking awards you have to win…

I made the mistake of trying to vent to the wrong friend, and was utterly shut down. That was fun. Luckily, a different friend was there to rant right alongside me several hours later, and I was able to laugh it off the next day. Y’know, in a bitter, dying-on-the-inside kinda way.


Speaking of funny, while I was tidying up my place before Blue’s arrival, it struck me that I’ve decorated with a lot of broken clocks. I contemplated for a moment, then this struck me:

I like surrounding myself with broken clocks. They give me the illusion that I can stop time.”

Of course, that’s what this blog is. All writing, really, is just an exercise in freezing a moment of time. Writing is photography for the mind.

On the upside, I’ve added several scenes to Cowboys & Engines, to flesh out the story and the world, and I’m really happy with what it’s become. I’m getting to that stage where I wake up thinking about it, and it runs as a subroutine in the back of my brain all day long. I’m excited about this like I haven’t been in years. I sent the script out to several people whose opinions I value, and the response has been overwhelming. If we can pull this off, it’s going to really shine.

Had a great meeting with Satine Phoenix, who is going to do some of our character design for the piece. Got everyone on the crew started on their own projects, and things are moving along.

Last night, I got together with Amber Rayne at a downtown ramen place that I believe K & I discovered and introduced to the porn community, by and large. Now it’s a common spot for the DTLA porn crowd. Red goes there all the time, and while I was waiting for Amber to show, Kimberly Kane, her boyfriend Igor, and Nate Liquor arrived.

Amber had actually already done some rough sketches based on the script, and I can’t wait to see what she comes up with.

Today, I have to make the Grand Circle Tour into the Valley of Timesuck, then come home and pound out what promises to be the worst parody script I’ve ever set hand to. I mean bad. Should take three hours to write.

I’ll post some choice bits of dialogue. When I’m done, it’s back to work on C&E… because I can’t stop thinking about it, and that’s a miraculous thing.

Your Thought For the Day.

Your Thought For the Day.

A funny thing happened on the way to my blog… I realized I feel pretty goddamned good. Part of it is getting a job that I’ve been very late in finishing for some friends off my plate and my conscience. Part is that my efforts at diversifying, trying to get out from under the near-exclusive banner of the director I’ve been inhabiting for the past 18 months, are working. And part of it, I admit, is that I’ve started to feel like I have a few more years of hunting attractive, interesting prey in me after all.

Go fuck yourself, MCWBT.

The improving attitude is partly just willpower (hey, I gotta give myself occasional credit). I’ve lost almost 30 pounds from simply deciding to eat less and sticking to it. I figure I can apply that same force of will to my own shitty outlook. Plus, I’ve been able to settle a few outstanding emotional debts lately. Not all of them the way I would have hoped, but at least I got closure.

Surprisingly, I’m not letting it make me crazy. Between work, trying to unpack, and the occasional date, I’m keeping busy.

On the first score, I’m chasing directing gigs at various companies, shooting a lot for x3sixty, a new venture owned by Paul Fishbein, the man who hired me to run AVN, and working as a DP for various other directors. It looks like the horror movie I shot in November might premiere at the Toronto Film Festival, which would be amazing. I have a bite on directing another horror film. I’m doing prep on my mysterious steampunk short I’ve mentioned here a few times. I’m even getting paid to finish editing The Money Shot, a web series I directed over a decade ago.

So work is good. The new place is very slowly coming together (having work precludes having time to unpack). At least most of the toys, and the TV & surround sound are set up (because, y’know, I’m 12).

As for the dates, it’s been interesting. I got a call I never expected from a girl I hadn’t seen in years who was in town and wanted to get together. I’ve been seeing Blue about once a week, which is great (though we still have that top/top issue). I’m speaking to Red again, just casually, and since I have no interest, I’m sure she’ll be chasing. Next week I have a date that could be a complete waste of time, and I’ve been flirting and sending filthy stories to an interesting girl I’m gonna call The Quiet One (y’know, the ones you have to watch out for). That could turn out to be a fascinating distraction.

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. — Hunter S. Thompson