RiffTrax

The Romans believed that Fortuna, the goddess of chance and destiny, moved your life slowly on a wheel so that you were always either on the way up, or on the way down. In between these parabola, events could describe mini-orbits that made the trip seem unstable, but on a long enough timeline, you were always somewhere on the big wheel.

I’ve spent the last four years or so making the downward trip, and it hasn’t been fun. The wheel is massive enough that it seems as if you’re wallowing around the bottom transit forever, but finally (I hesitate to say), I feel like I’m back on the rising circuit. While it’s true that I’m still broke ($14.73 in the bank at this writing), and still buried under projects that are about as creatively satisfying as frying apple pies at McDognuts, all of that seems likely to change.

Cowboys & Engines is going really well. We haven’t even set dates yet, but that’s because a lot is happening behind the scenes. A lot I can’t talk about — yet. Some people are going to be working on this project that I can’t wait to announce, and every day more doors open to make it bigger and bigger. To say that the scope and potential of this short have grown by a factor of ten since it was first conceived isn’t hyperbole at all. This movie is now becoming something that could transform the lives of everyone working on it. Well, maybe with the exception of James Deen, ‘cuz he’s on his way to being a star in his own right, so fuck him… ;)

Another thing I can’t really talk about yet is the low-budget thriller I was the DP on last November. As so often happens with films, there have been several snags on the path to delivery and distribution, but that mostly seems to have been solved. Once we finish a few days of re-shoots & pickups, it’s on its way to AFM screenings, festivals, and a theatrical release in both the US and the UK. I cannot tell you how excited I am to go sit in a movie theater and watch a movie that I shot. It may not be the greatest film ever, but for that 90 minutes, it will be to me.

Then there’s Russia. Assuming our visa’s come through as planned, on the 8th I’ll be heading to Moscow for two weeks to shoot the sculpture of an artist named Grisha for an art collective in Dallas. Not only do I get to travel to a country I’ve never been to on someone else’s dime, I’m getting paid pretty well for the privilege. When I get back, there’s work waiting on the internet series I was cast in (I’m their version of Walter White,) Behind the Green Door with Paul Thomas (which I’m also very excited about), a couple of parodies with il Douché, the completion of Rob Black’s Snow White (maybe… we’ll see…), the Nightmoves Show and shooting for Stormy in Tampa, etc., etc.

Plus I’ll be building a new editing system as soon as I get home, cramming in a lot of work for x3sixty (Paul Fishbein’s television channel), and holding callbacks for Cowboys & Engines. I’ll also finally be able to spill some of the rather large beans I’ve been keeping to myself about this thing.

On the home front, LL has moved in with me for a few months (much to Vega’s dismay) after leaving her boyfriend. We aren’t dating, and actually haven’t even banged (yet) since she’s been here, but we get along so well I have to admit it’s nice. In a very subtle way, it has reminded me what’s it’s like to be in a relationship with a real person. The only issue has been her dog’s fascination with my cats, and the cats’ irresistible desire to whack said dog when she isn’t looking.

I also want to mention that last week, I went to the live theatrical broadcast of the Rifftrax guys mocking Manos: The Hands of Fate, and it was awesome. If you don’t know Rifftrax, it’s basically the modern iteration of Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you don’t know Manos, it is (unlike merely foul movies such as Plan 9 From Outer Space) truly one of the worst films ever made, and it was one of the most popular episodes of MST3K (An exhaustive history of Manos is available here). If you don’t know Mystery Science Theater 3000, well… abandon all hope and kill yourself.

I’m assuming they have some form of internet in Moscow (coal-powered, I imagine) so I’ll try to blog from there if I don’t get the chance to post again before I go. In the meantime, I leave you with this small reminder of Clint Eastwood’s amazing performance at the RNC last night:

Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That’s my policy.”

Okay, I’m back. And I’m ever-so-thrilled. During the long, dark months of editing Upload — which I’m sure you’ll hear plenty of bitching about in the weeks to come — the one thing that sustained me, kept me going, stoked the fires of my waning, anemic creativity, was the idea that somewhere beyond the unhealthy efficiency of Sony Vegas, MySpace was waiting to slurp away better-spent hours of my life and badly-needed points of IQ.

But I did get a chuckle out of the banner bemoaning alcohol-related pedestrian deaths.

Yeah, I’ve missed you, too.

First and foremost, thanks to those of you who e-mailed me here weeks and weeks ago. You’re a bunch of fucking retards. Even when I’m checking MySpace regularly, I hardly ever — ever — look at this e-mail. If you want to reach me, e-mail eli@sexz.com willya? Then you might get a response before the end of the decade.

There are literally hundreds of things I’d like to tackle for my first blog back from the darkness… what a psychotic man-whore Rudy Guiliani is… how I think everyone who bought an iPhone — oh, sorry, Jesus-Phone, should be required to wear a T-shirt that says “moron” two days out of the week, and another that says “pretentious asshole” the rest of the time… how much I wish they’d been allowed to actually finish Deadwood

But for now, I’m gonna focus on something brief and — sit down and strap in — positive.

The folks behind Mystery Science Theater 3000 have been doing a little side-project for a while now called RiffTrax. It’s a collection of MP3 audio tracks designed to be synced up and played alongside a number of big Hollywood movies they could never get for MST3K. Most of them really deserving targets like Phantom Menace and the first Spider-Man.

Best of all, for those of you who are intar-web savvy enough to know that Bittorrent and the like are teh sux0r and that newsgroups are still the best way to get piles of media for no money down and ten easy payments of fuck-all, you can find most of the RiffTrax films all pre-ripped, synced and mixed for you by the geek fairy.

K & I just got done watching the RiffTrax version of Willy Wonka — no, the original — and for those of you who remember the film as a classic, you’re wrong. I’ve said for years it’s a piece of shit film with one brilliant performance. Nice to know I’m not alone.

Anyhoo, I’ve stepped on enough peckers for one evening. Someday soon I’ll be updating my actual page with lots of Upload hype. Also, Kylie & I are taping podcasts tomorrow so look for those this week.

In the meantime… vaya con heuvos.

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