Okay, I’m back. And I’m ever-so-thrilled. During the long, dark months of editing Upload — which I’m sure you’ll hear plenty of bitching about in the weeks to come — the one thing that sustained me, kept me going, stoked the fires of my waning, anemic creativity, was the idea that somewhere beyond the unhealthy efficiency of Sony Vegas, MySpace was waiting to slurp away better-spent hours of my life and badly-needed points of IQ.

But I did get a chuckle out of the banner bemoaning alcohol-related pedestrian deaths.

Yeah, I’ve missed you, too.

First and foremost, thanks to those of you who e-mailed me here weeks and weeks ago. You’re a bunch of fucking retards. Even when I’m checking MySpace regularly, I hardly ever — ever — look at this e-mail. If you want to reach me, e-mail eli@sexz.com willya? Then you might get a response before the end of the decade.

There are literally hundreds of things I’d like to tackle for my first blog back from the darkness… what a psychotic man-whore Rudy Guiliani is… how I think everyone who bought an iPhone — oh, sorry, Jesus-Phone, should be required to wear a T-shirt that says “moron” two days out of the week, and another that says “pretentious asshole” the rest of the time… how much I wish they’d been allowed to actually finish Deadwood

But for now, I’m gonna focus on something brief and — sit down and strap in — positive.

The folks behind Mystery Science Theater 3000 have been doing a little side-project for a while now called RiffTrax. It’s a collection of MP3 audio tracks designed to be synced up and played alongside a number of big Hollywood movies they could never get for MST3K. Most of them really deserving targets like Phantom Menace and the first Spider-Man.

Best of all, for those of you who are intar-web savvy enough to know that Bittorrent and the like are teh sux0r and that newsgroups are still the best way to get piles of media for no money down and ten easy payments of fuck-all, you can find most of the RiffTrax films all pre-ripped, synced and mixed for you by the geek fairy.

K & I just got done watching the RiffTrax version of Willy Wonka — no, the original — and for those of you who remember the film as a classic, you’re wrong. I’ve said for years it’s a piece of shit film with one brilliant performance. Nice to know I’m not alone.

Anyhoo, I’ve stepped on enough peckers for one evening. Someday soon I’ll be updating my actual page with lots of Upload hype. Also, Kylie & I are taping podcasts tomorrow so look for those this week.

In the meantime… vaya con heuvos.

Okay, so I’ve been a little busy. Really, that’s what it comes down to. I’ve been doing casting and pre-production for Upload, the big summer movie I’m directing for SexZ Pictures, and that’s taking about 14-16 hours out of every day. Then I’ve been keeping the production end of SexZ moving along, which takes another 9-10 hours out of each day. Not to be forgotten is running production for SlutWerkz, and shooting camera for Kylie’s first SlutWerkz show Submitted For Your Approval, which is at least a 12-hour-a-day job.

So, um, yeah. A little slammed. Which is a shame because there’s been a fuck of a lot of stuff I’d like to bitch about, so instead I’ve been complaining to my friends, all of whom are so sick of my constant bitching, whining and complaining that they just nod and say “uh-huh,” with kind of a glazed expression. Which isn’t very satisfying.

All right, so three quickies…

First, they’ve cancelled Premiere magazine. I’m having some cognitive dissonance about this event. On the one hand I’ve been buying Premiere since the very first issue with Dan Ackroyd and Tom Hanks on the cover promoting (ugh) Dragnet, and while I recognize that Premiere is — or rather, was — a pretty lightweight film rag, it’s no fucking Entertainment Weekly which is just an irredeemable pile of undigestible pablum forced between two badly-designed covers.

On the other hand, it pleases me to think that Glenn Kenny, Premiere’s chief reviewer, might have to work for a living for a while. That’s because it was on Glenn’s watch that the equally irredeemable David Foster Wallace (oh, bullshit, you do not. You didn’t even finish the fucking book — no one did — and don’t try to claim otherwise) wrote an article about attending the AVN Awards that was such a blatant attack, with such incredibly skewed and misreported “facts” (the fucking moron couldn’t even correctly name the hotel the awards were held in) that lots of lawyers were bandying about lots of ugly words like “libel” and “lawsuit” and “fuck yo mama.”

So, yeah, Glenn, best of luck. Here’s a quarter. Fuck yo mama.

The pisser is that they’re fulfilling the rest of the subscription with… deep breath… Us. No, really.Us Weekly. A fucking year of it. Can I just cancel? You can keep the money. It’s a small price to pay to avoid the shame of having Us arriving with my name on it. I mean, we’re pornographers here, as our mailman well knows. We have a image to uphold…

Thing two is something I thought was an aberration, but which has now happened three times, so I want to put a stop to it. My stage name is in no way, shape or form derived from or related to the existence of a mainstream director named Eli Roth.

Not. Never. At all.

Where I got my stage name is easy enough to figure out; just Google the name or Peter O’Toole or Richard Rush. I’m not going to do the rest of the homework for you. I have been Eli Cross since well before Cabin Fever was dragged into coolness by Quentin Tarantino. I’ve never seen it. Or any of Roth’s movies.

I have met him, however. It was shortly before Cabin Fever was put — forced, some might say — into wide release. At the time, Kylie & I were still very close with Chloe before she dropped completely out of the world and off the radar, and for a brief time, she and Eli Roth were an item.

Chloe enjoyed pushing the porn world in his face because he was so squishy and uncomfortable with the whole thing. She brought him by Kylie’s apartment once to meet us. He gave me a dead-fish handshake (plainly he immediately felt the need to scrub his lily-white hand after having sullied it with a filth-monger’s touch), made a few condescending comments about Chloe’s “job” (he made the quotes in the air with his fingers), and was gone. K & I hated him immediately.

So, yeah, I’m not trying to be Eli Roth. He’s far too cool and hip and successful for the scummy likes of li’l ol’ me.

Thing three is a location that’s pretty well-known to the feature-shooting porn world. It’s Linda Vista Hospital. I’ve shot there several times. It’s a creepy old abandoned hospital with lots of great location potential if you’re after filth, gloom and squalor. The last time I shot there, the new owner begged me to start referring gonzo shoots.

Normally, gonzo doesn’t go anywhere near places like this ’cause the rates are just too high. Daniel swore that they could work with the gonzo rates, however, so a few people have tried. It’s generally turned into a bad experience for one reason or another.

However, it was a perfect location for a few of Kylie’s scenes for Submitted, so we booked it for last Wednesday and Friday. A week ago we get a call from the location rep telling us we’re getting fucked out of the place on Wednesday because they’ve double-booked it with a low-budget mainstream feature and one of the stars has it in her contract that there can’t be any adult shooting on premises. That star? Jenna Jameson.

Then, on Friday, we arrive to discover they’ve double-booked the place with some big show for CBS. So we have no parking. And we have to work around mainstream people wandering everywhere. And we’ve been asked not to tell them we’re shooting porn because they might get offended. And we get to shoot around their full-auto gunfire on the floor below us. And we get to wait to leave because the CBS G&E crew has a big 12k rigged right behind our parked cars. And the location tried to charge us for two extra hours. And now, today, Daniel calls me screaming because we didn’t have the check inhand to deliver immediately after the shoot.

It’s hourly, ASSHOLE! How the FUCK was I supposed to make the check out BEFOREHAND?!? Are you that FUCKING desperate? We have people shoot here all the time; I don’t, as a rule, walk up at the end of the day with palm outstretched. I give them an invoice and a few days later, the check arrives.

Personally, I think the solution to his check problem is to go knock on Jenna’s trailer whereverZombie Strippers (no, really) is shooting this week, and tell her if she doesn’t cough up the $500, he’s gonna tell someone she once did porn.

Of course, it wasn’t very good porn.

I’m supposed to be working on the script for Upload, my big summer show for SexZ at the moment, so it seems like a good time to blog since I haven’t posted one since, oh, 1887 or something. Plus, this saves me a general “catching up” e-mail to about two-dozen people I haven’t written to since at least 1886. You know who you are. Love ya, man. Or girl.

Whatever. Incidentally, if you forward this blog to at least 20 more people, you’ll receive wealth, fame, popularity, pleasant breath, a larger penis and/or breasts, lose weight, gain muscle and achieve Total Consciousness. So you’ll have that going for ya.

Life has been pretty damned… oh, fuck that. Insanely, crazily, psychotically busy since AEE. I’ve signed a deal to direct exclusively for SexZ Pictures (who else is gonna let me make movies likeCorruption?) and have taken over as their head of production, a post they’ve never really had manned before, so the “office” is a bit of a mess, if you take my meaning.

One of my first decisions was to hire David Aaron Clark to direct a feature for us from a spectacular script he’s been sitting on for a few years called Doll Parts. David’s a really amazing writer and director with a terrific eye and a very original sensibility, and everyone at SexZ is excited as hell about this movie. Details will come as we lock down cast, dates, etc.

We also got several XRCO nominations for Corruption which was a welcome surprise. I’ve always seen the XRCO as skewing towards fluffier fare, so it was extremely generous of them to nominate us. I guess we can officially refer to Corruption as an “epic” now since we got nominated in that category (I know, I know, “you made a four-fuckin-hour-long porn movie, asshole! How is that notepic?!?”)

K&I finally saw The Departed which I’ll talk about on another day. We also watched Idiocracy, which actually isn’t a documentary about the Bush administration. If you haven’t seen the movie (and most of you haven’t, hence the $12 it made in its theatrical release), it’s worth a spin. It certainly isn’t a work of brilliance, but it’s worth watching just for the fact that it probably represents a fairly accurate view of humanity’s future.

The movie follows Luke Wilson as he plays Luke Wilson, a completely average slacker who does a highly implausible Buck Rogers and ends up in a future where evolution has resulted in a human race so pathetically stupid that Luke is now by far the smartest man on the planet.

Like most things in life, it would be funny if it weren’t true. Sure, parts of the movie are worth a chuckle, but in an excruciating way. Kinda like that Ben Stiller seal-clubbing movie I’m sure is in development. Or that Will Ferrell movie where he plays the really dumb guy with overstressed hair, outrageous clothes and a lame accent being really successful at something he’s really bad at.

Oh, wait. That’s not a movie. That’s Will Ferrell’s life.

Lastly, speaking of bad comedy, I’m going to be profiled in an upcoming issue of Geekmagazine. No, really. And if that isn’t a straightline you can make something out of, I don’t know what is.

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I’m not sure I want popular opinion on my side — I’ve noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts. — Bethania McKenstry